Sitting here in the quiet house, I just "toured" all of the bookmarked blogs that I visit regularly and came to a realization. I am a different person than I was just a few years ago. In fact, I am COMPLETELY DIFFERENT, but somehow feel "more myself" than ever before!
A few years ago, I was "stuck" in a bad marriage to my high school sweetheart, putting up with emotional and verbal abuse, belittled and made to feel that I didn't matter in this world and unable to make a decision on my own for fear of it being the wrong choice. I found it nearly impossible to live with Jeckyl & Hyde, never knowing WHO would come home each day. And the older I got, the more I questioned if having no children was a wise choice because I feared that SOMEDAY I would live in a nursing home and NO ONE would care that I was there; the thoughts left me feeling so... ALONE! (Thankfully, I had hit the wall and come to the point where I couldn't take it any more. I came to my senses and faced my fears. I admitted OUTLOUD that I was not happy, despite my false-front for WAY TOO MANY YEARS.)
At that time, I had been interested in card-making and scrapbooking photos from our vacations. To me, I found these activities to be "therapeutic" and a creative outlet that brought me to THE ONLY HAPPY PLACE I could find. Looking back, going AWAY on vacation is one of THE ONLY THINGS I miss from that marriage... an opportunity to see the world on a bigger budget and with more free time; someday, I hope to revisit this place in my life, but this time - with MY WONDERFUL HUSBAND, most likely when we retire. The other thing I miss is that my ex-husband made TERRIFIC BREAKFASTS on the gas grill.... fried eggs (over-easy) on toasted bread sandwiches that somehow picked up WONDERFUL FLAVORS from the grill.
I somehow found the courage to leave, making my parents - and MYSELF - very happy. I found the courage to live on my own for the very first time in my life. (I no longer had to cry myself to sleep at night.) And along the way of finding myself, I found Mike. (Or perhaps, we found each other. Talk about being in the right place at the right time!)
To this day, I am SO THANKFUL that I met him when I did; he has been THE BEST THING IN THE WORLD FOR ME! After meeting him, I woke up each day feeling like I was THE LUCKIEST GIRL IN THE WORLD and feeling that I didn't deserve to be treated so well. (You know, the way that I had deserved to have been treated all along, but was too young and too stupid to realize.)
Sadly, nearly 3 years later, I still find myself apologizing profusely and expecting a "blow-up" reaction for the littlest things - like making a wrong turn in the road - because I had been "programmed" that way for many, many years; but then, I remember that I am NOW married to a rational and loving man that almost never gets flustered over anything. He loves me for who I AM!
My old self tried to fit in; to be a perfect wife; to be like everyone else. My EX used to tease me because whenever we went somewhere, I was the one who was NOT dressed like everyone else. I would be the one wearing a sweater and jeans when everyone else (surprisingly) was wearing dresses. And then, on a day that I would wear dressier clothes, everyone else would be wearing tshirts and sweatshirts. He managed a retail store filled with trendy and petite high school kids and he constantly compared me to them; the fact of the matter was that I was an ADULT, not a kid and I had CURVES that were NEVER going to go away - regardless of diet or exercise. He wished for me to be someone that I was NOT. I wore my hair the way my EX had liked it (long) instead of taking control of my own hair.
The "new me" is comfortable in my own skin. I embrace my wide hips (and was thankful for a welcoming passageway for my son.) Once on my own, I cut my hair short; then, I cut it even shorter! (Thankfully, my husband LOVES short hair and I couldn't be happier with a short pixie cut.) I no longer feel the need to look like everyone else. I am just fine being MYSELF! The "old me" tried to squeeze into the smallest size I could. The "new me" bought bigger pants that fit FOR COMFORT moreso than by the number, with SIZE being the main focus. (And my body is dressed better now for that... all thanks to Mike!)
The "old me" would never leave the house without makeup on. The "new me" rarely wears makeup at all. (My husband actually PREFERS me with less makeup on; he likes me more natural, which is NICE, for me. Being a mom to a toddler, I'm relieved that SIMPLE is better.)
After meeting MR. RIGHT, I made slightly less cards and almost NO scrapbook pages. (Granted, we had moved a few times, planned a wedding, gotten married, gotten pregnant... so, I had PLENTY to keep me busy.)
After becoming a mom, I make almost NO cards and haven't touched traditional scrapbook supplies AT ALL! I feel lucky to download pictures from my camera and have made a handful of digital scrapbook pages instead because it is LESS MESS. (I have since become an avid blogger so that I at least have my compilation of memories.)
The "old me" looked at blogs where I was admiring beautifully made cards.
The "new me" looks at blogs where I admire the process of documenting LIFE.
I think that becoming a parent changes your perspective on SO MANY THINGS - and LIFE in general. Now, I have a story to tell... and am MUCH HAPPIER for it!
I just read some excerpts from a book preview online (The Gift of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are by Brene Brown) and liked these:
• I had rekindled my creative life, reconnected with my family and friends in a new way, and most important, felt truly comfortable in my own skin for the first time in my life.
• I learned how to worry more about how I felt and less about "what people might think." I was setting new boundaries and began to let go of my need to please, perform and perfect.
• I now see that cultivating a Wholeheared life is not like trying to reach a destination. It's like walking toward a star in the sky. We never really arrive, but we certainly know that we're heading in the right direction.
Perhaps, I will someday look into reading this book... you know, once I have free time for leisure reading again. I really like the title and the message that she is trying to get across though. (And I admit that I do have a strong "need to please, perform and perfect" so, this book is probably a good one for me to read.) PERHAPS, I should add this book to my Birthday Wish List.
Like I said, I am COMPLETELY DIFFERENT now, but somehow feel "more myself" than ever before! AND I REALLY LIKE "the new me"!
