Shut-up and deal with it

I do not normally get angry about things; although, I must admit that THIS really DID bother me:

Hubby woke the other day, complaining that his nose and throat felt "off" and he ventured *outside* to look for his (old) humidifier. Now, when I say OUTSIDE, I - for once am NOT talking about our bonus room where we store a bunch of our junk... I literally mean OUT SIDE... like laying on the lower patio since June!

He brought it inside and started looking at it. He dumped the leaves out of it. He pulled the dust and mold-filled filter out, looked at it and forced it back inside. A pinkish mold residue coated the inside water compartment. It looked ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING!! He ventured to the cabinet with the cookie sheets and removed my jelly roll pan.

In complete and utter awe, I said "You're not actually thinking about using THAT?!? Are you?"

"Yes, I am going to use it! Shut-up and deal with it!" He proceeded to tell me something about his nose and throat couldn't take it anymore, but honestly, I had stopped listening to him when he snapped that I should shut-up and deal with it.

Deal with it! (The words echoed through my mind.) He filled it with water and turned it on. I was appalled. I later shook my head when I saw him wipe a little bit of surface dirt off of it with a paper towel; it was hardly worth his while to wipe it at all, leaving most of the dirt still on it.

Later, I informed him that I was PISSED - specifically AT HIM. He seemed puzzled. I explained that it (the humidifier) is COMPLETELY and UTTERLY DISGUSTING and should NOT be plugged in for us to breathe. I mentioned that I liked watching him pull out the rotten looking filter and putting it back, pretending NOT to notice how incredibly gross it REALLY was.

"You could have at least CLEANED IT!" I suggested.

"YOU could have cleaned it, too!" he contradicted.

"I'm not the one who left it OUTSIDE. All. Summer. Long!"

I do tend to CLEAN when I get angry. And OH, was I angry! But I REFUSED to clean it... or even touch it! He later moved it from our kitchen... into our bedroom. Shiver!

After we had eaten our makeshift Thanksgiving dinner and the kids were napping, I ventured to the grocery store; I wanted to stock up on food so that I didn't have to leave the house for the next few days.

I almost bought a new humidifier (for him) that afternoon. Although, I did NOT... because I know that a month or so ago, hubby had mentioned that he had an eye on one at work - and OBVIOUSLY hasn't gotten around to buying.

I also have not slept in our bedroom since. I tried that first night, but the sound of it bothered me - much like the sound of an overly-loud air conditioner unit - so, I went to sleep in the office spare bed instead. Plus, I couldn't help, but to think about all of the CRUD blowing into the air in our bedroom. (And wasn't enjoying the extra breeze in the room either.)

I've been sleeping well in the spare bedroom, but I'm REALLY starting to miss my husband. (Maybe one of these days, he will get the hint - by me turning it OFF whenever he leaves the room or by me sleeping in the other room... and will bring home that new one that he's been wanting. I'd really LOVE to join him back in our bed again.)

And if he'd like me to wrap the empty box to put under our Christmas tree as a gift for him, I would be OK with that.... really, I would!

In the meantime, I'll hold off on my holiday peanut butter ball baking... until I can have my extra jellyroll pan back again.

Sigh. It's off my chest now; feel better!

NOTE: For the record... it is not usual for him to speak to me in this (rude) manner and I am almost never angry AT him; I love him dearly.

11.27.11 - This gross thing sat OUTSIDE since June
and hubby wants to use it NOW?!?!

11.27.11 - There is STUFF in the filter even... REALLY?
You don't think you should CLEAN IT first? EEEEeeeeW!

12.2.11 - NO WAY... you think it SMELLS GROSS in our
bedroom? There is DIRT in it.. and an entire leaf... and
WHO KNOWS what else? THANK YOU for FINALLY realizing
how gross this is and taking it OUT of our bedroom.
Now, if only you would take it back outside, too...

Sometimes, he checks up on me

I am touched that my dear husband checks up on my from time-to-time to read this (old) blog. For the most part, I document our lives as parents, what we're doing and funny things that kids do/say on my main blog. This one, I use once in a while when I feel the need to JUST BE MYSELF or to document what I am feeling or thinking.

I could, I suppose, hand-write in a journal - where my thoughts are more private than publishing online and allowing others inside my world. Sitting in a quiet house after everyone has gone to bed, often with a purring cat in my lap, seems to just work better for me.... allowing me a few minutes to do something that I enjoy. (Afterall, that IS why I blog.)

Someday, I hope to be a writer; therefore, I call THIS a little bit of practice.

I am sorry to admit that after all these years, I am STILL pre-programmed to apologize profusely for things. (See, right there... I did it without even trying! Go figure... I recently noticed that our 2.5 year old son started saying "I'm sorry..." throughout the day and throughout private conversations with his toys... leaving me to shake my head and wonder What have I done?) When something BAD happens, I still am on edge (after all this time) because in my past life, EVERYTHING was a BIG DEAL! For example, the other day when the telephone fell into the tub full of water, I expected to be in BIG TROUBLE, but instead, hubby calmly said "It's no big deal..." (Seriously, I was MORE UPSET about it than he was!)

I don't know WHY... after all this time I still hold my breath, get knots in my stomach and actually EXPECT to get yelled at - other than (like I said) I had been pre-programmed to react this way for many, many years. I wish that I could just LET GO of that person and understand that I am (now) in a safe and healthy relationship.

I need to wrap my brain around the fact that I have a FANTASTIC HUSBAND who treats me the way I had deserved to be treated all along; And for that, I am INCREDIBLY THANKFUL!

• • • • • • •

I also like to look at this blog... to take a quick peek at our official wedding pictures and to remind me how much I loved (and still do love) my husband.

Honey, if you are reading this... I am SO GLAD that I was in the right place at the right time... and that I met you!

I love you!

Honoring the rules

Years ago, we agreed upon some "RULES".

If I find my spouse in bed - naked - it is safe to assume that he wants something.

If I say I am tired; then, I am REALLY tired and want to be left alone. In return, if hubby says that he is tired, I will honor the rules and leave him alone.

Last night, hubby declared that he was "wore out" and went to bed while I finished folding laundry. (Other favorites of his, besides TIRED, are: exhausted, drained and depleted.) I have a hard time reading these... to me, they all mean TIRED and beg to be left alone. (I later found him in bed - still awake - yet I assumed that TIRED MEANS TIRED. He was NOT naked when I got to bed; not sure if he had been earlier or not.) I said "good-night" and went to sleep, wondering if he remembers "the TIRED RULES" and wishing he wouldn't complain of being "tired" so often.

• • •

On a similar note, our baby did NOT eat in the night last night! He did wake - and I snuggled him for a few minutes in the recliner, but I did NOT feed him. I've been making small steps towards getting him to sleep through the night. (Sadly, the toddler woke and invited himself into our bed last night for a while. I tell you... one of these days, it will be LOVELY to sleep through the night again! After not having slept through the night for the better part of 3 years now, I do NOT tend to complain about being "tired".)

And with that... good night! (I hope.)

Keep it to myself

I wouldn't want to wish it upon anyone; my MS diagnosis was not what I wanted to hear years and years ago, but I remind myself often that it is a manageable disease and there are A LOT WORSE conditions out there. Still, it lives in my nerves, on my brain and in my spinal column. It tingles when I tip my head forward. It reminds me to take better care of myself and get my rest.

Truth be told, I hadn't missed it AT ALL during my pregnancy. In fact, it was rather nice to feel "normal" again.

I would like to believe that I have a pinched nerve in my upper back/left shoulder, but it is likely the MS... plaguing me, yet again.... this time, in this new location. (It has started acting up more and more. Granted, lugging a 16 pound baby around in a 6 pound car seat... or even a 24 pound toddler doesn't really help much, I'd guess. Weeks of hot, humid weather does NOT help either, I'm afraid.) I am thankful that it (MS) has left my vision alone post-pregnancy and remain hopeful that it continues to leave my eyes alone.

I'll just take things one day at a time... hoping to hold off taking medicine again for as long as possible so that I can offer my baby the best gift I can... breast milk!

Perhaps a massage would feel lovely. I'll have to put that on my WISH LIST, right next to finding a little time for MYSELF.

• • • • •

Dear Body,

Please STOP causing self-inflicted injuries upon us by refraining from chewing the protective coating off of my nerves and using my brain as a snack. I will TRY to take better care of you and eventually, hope to find some time for exercise - other than chasing after an active two year old. I would appreciate if you would leave my vision alone as well. Thanks for understanding that I want MY BODY BACK!

Sincerely,

Me

Why... ME, myself and I?

I am becoming a victim to my own perfectionism. I am finding myself frustrated in instances where I "should" be more content. For example, when someone else helps me out with housework, instead of feeling grateful, I have an annoying nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach that "that isn't how I would have done it..." or "I should have just done that myself".

I am starting to HATE these feelings; I wish I could "relax and let go" a little bit.

Sigh.

Realizing my shortcoming is a step in the right direction.

Enabling and teaching, with more mess and more time = VERY REWARDING

Mike had recently expressed slight frustration in the fact that "I'm not EVER going to be able to do ANYTHING alone in the kitchen again, am I?"

I reminded him that there are PLENTY of people out there who would LOVE the opportunity to be parents. "You're right!" he said "I guess I waited almost 40 years to get to this point."

True, it would be MUCH faster, easier and cleaner to be able to do things yourself. It does seem to take 10x's longer to get ANYTHING done with a miniature helper. However, we are enabling and teaching our child how to function in the world and it is VERY REWARDING to see him thrive.

As we open the dishwasher door, Sydney comes running at the first sound of clanking dishes. You can point to almost ANY item inside the dishwasher, and ask him "where does this go?" He KNOWS almost everything and is proud to show/tell you where. AMAZING! He's been doing this for more than a month already! (He also likes to help unload it and hand us items one-by-one, pointing to where they go.)

Who would've thought that an 18-month-old would KNOW where you keep a mixing bowl, a collander, a vegetable peeler, a cutting board, a pizza cutter, an egg slicer, an apple corer, a spoon rest or the butter dish?

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE BEING A MOM!

Self-discovery

Sitting here in the quiet house, I just "toured" all of the bookmarked blogs that I visit regularly and came to a realization. I am a different person than I was just a few years ago. In fact, I am COMPLETELY DIFFERENT, but somehow feel "more myself" than ever before!

A few years ago, I was "stuck" in a bad marriage to my high school sweetheart, putting up with emotional and verbal abuse, belittled and made to feel that I didn't matter in this world and unable to make a decision on my own for fear of it being the wrong choice. I found it nearly impossible to live with Jeckyl & Hyde, never knowing WHO would come home each day. And the older I got, the more I questioned if having no children was a wise choice because I feared that SOMEDAY I would live in a nursing home and NO ONE would care that I was there; the thoughts left me feeling so... ALONE! (Thankfully, I had hit the wall and come to the point where I couldn't take it any more.  I came to my senses and faced my fears. I admitted OUTLOUD that I was not happy, despite my false-front for WAY TOO MANY YEARS.)

At that time, I had been interested in card-making and scrapbooking photos from our vacations. To me, I found these activities to be "therapeutic" and a creative outlet that brought me to THE ONLY HAPPY PLACE I could find. Looking back, going AWAY on vacation is one of THE ONLY THINGS I miss from that marriage... an opportunity to see the world on a bigger budget and with more free time; someday, I hope to revisit this place in my life, but this time - with MY WONDERFUL HUSBAND, most likely when we retire. The other thing I miss is that my ex-husband made TERRIFIC BREAKFASTS on the gas grill.... fried eggs (over-easy) on toasted bread sandwiches that somehow picked up WONDERFUL FLAVORS from the grill.

I somehow found the courage to leave, making my parents - and MYSELF - very happy. I found the courage to live on my own for the very first time in my life. (I no longer had to cry myself to sleep at night.) And along the way of finding myself, I found Mike. (Or perhaps, we found each other. Talk about being in the right place at the right time!) 

To this day, I am SO THANKFUL that I met him when I did; he has been THE BEST THING IN THE WORLD FOR ME! After meeting him, I woke up each day feeling like I was THE LUCKIEST GIRL IN THE WORLD and feeling that I didn't deserve to be treated so well. (You know, the way that I had deserved to have been treated all along, but was too young and too stupid to realize.) 

Sadly, nearly 3 years later, I still find myself apologizing profusely and expecting a "blow-up" reaction for the littlest things - like making a wrong turn in the road - because I had been "programmed" that way for many, many years; but then, I remember that I am NOW married to a rational and loving man that almost never gets flustered over anything. He loves me for who I AM!

My old self tried to fit in; to be a perfect wife; to be like everyone else. My EX used to tease me because whenever we went somewhere, I was the one who was NOT dressed like everyone else. I would be the one wearing a sweater and jeans when everyone else (surprisingly) was wearing dresses. And then, on a day that I would wear dressier clothes, everyone else would be wearing tshirts and sweatshirts. He managed a retail store filled with trendy and petite high school kids and he constantly compared me to them; the fact of the matter was that I was an ADULT, not a kid and I had CURVES that were NEVER going to go away - regardless of diet or exercise. He wished for me to be someone that I was NOT. I wore my hair the way my EX had liked it (long)  instead of taking control of my own hair.

The "new me" is comfortable in my own skin. I embrace my wide hips (and was thankful for a welcoming passageway for my son.) Once on my own, I cut my hair short; then, I cut it even shorter! (Thankfully, my husband LOVES short hair and I couldn't be happier with a short pixie cut.) I no longer feel the need to look like everyone else. I am just fine being MYSELF! The "old me" tried to squeeze into the smallest size I could. The "new me" bought bigger pants that fit FOR COMFORT moreso than by the number, with SIZE being the main focus. (And my body is dressed better now for that... all thanks to Mike!)

The "old me" would never leave the house without makeup on. The "new me" rarely wears makeup at all. (My husband actually PREFERS me with less makeup on; he likes me more natural, which is NICE, for me. Being a mom to a toddler, I'm relieved that SIMPLE is better.)

After meeting MR. RIGHT, I made slightly less cards and almost NO scrapbook pages. (Granted, we had moved a few times, planned a wedding, gotten married, gotten pregnant... so, I had PLENTY to keep me busy.)

After becoming a mom, I make almost NO cards and haven't touched traditional scrapbook supplies AT ALL! I feel lucky to download pictures from my camera and have made a handful of digital scrapbook pages instead because it is LESS MESS. (I have since become an avid blogger so that I at least have my compilation of memories.)

The "old me" looked at blogs where I was admiring beautifully made cards. 

The "new me" looks at blogs where I admire the process of documenting LIFE. 

I think that becoming a parent changes your perspective on SO MANY THINGS - and LIFE in general. Now, I have a story to tell... and am MUCH HAPPIER for it!

I just read some excerpts from a book preview online (The Gift of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are by Brene Brown) and liked these: 

• I had rekindled my creative life, reconnected with my family and friends in a new way, and most important, felt truly comfortable in my own skin for the first time in my life. 

• I learned how to worry more about how I felt and less about "what people might think." I was setting new boundaries and began to let go of my need to please, perform and perfect.

• I now see that cultivating a Wholeheared life is not like trying to reach a destination. It's like walking toward a star in the sky. We never really arrive, but we certainly know that we're heading in the right direction.

Perhaps, I will someday look into reading this book... you know, once I have free time for leisure reading again. I really like the title and the message that she is trying to get across though. (And I admit that I do have a strong "need to please, perform and perfect" so, this book is probably a good one for me to read.) PERHAPS, I should add this book to my Birthday Wish List.

Like I said, I am COMPLETELY DIFFERENT now, but somehow feel "more myself" than ever before! AND I REALLY LIKE "the new me"!